Nobody Does A Bikini Better Than Mara Hoffman

($170, Mara Hoffman, Shopbop.com)

I need a bikini like I need... I don't know. A pair of pink Uggs or something. I will probably never see the water this summer, which I'll be spending under the fluorescent lights of my office. Just like I spent the past 10 summers! But if I were in the market for a bikini, nobody does it better than Mara Hoffman. Right, Carly Simon? Baby you're the best.

Is H&M TRYING To Give You A Yeastie?

This is a new bathing suit -- well, in most places in the universe, this would be considered a bathing suit, but unfortunately, insome parts of, say, New York City, this, and a pair of heels or cowboy boots are considered a "going-out outfit"-- from H&M's Divided Exclusive line coming out this September is probably made out of nylon and should come with a prescription for Diflucan. Just sayin'.

Another Cute Zimmermann Suit!

I am sitting here, unshowered, festering in my not-so-festive, not-so-sexy post-holiday slump, like a carby blob of primordial ooze. WHICH MEANS THERE'S NEVER BEEN A TIME TO CHECK OUT CUTE BATHING SUITS, like this one by FashionBinge favorite, Zimmermann!

The polka dots are so "I'm a little girl in the late '70s." AND it's on sale! AND I ate like a TUB of cookies and a half of tub of Sugar Sweet Sunshine's banana cream pudding. WIN!

($121, Zimmermann, RevolveClothing.com)

Big-Bust Bathing Suit Lust!

I was gonna throw "Must" into that headline to keep the rhyming going, but sometimes you just need to know when to throw in the towel. And speaking of towel, if there were an entire village inhabited by cute bathing suits, this black-and-white polkadotted Esther Williams bathing suit would be the mayor of Cuters Bathing Suit Town:

($79, Esther Williams, ModCloth.com)

Available in up to size 16, and cut to fit you amply endowed lady friends out there (you knows who you ares). Yay! And it's cut low, so you don't have to suffer the indecent indignity of the revolting porn-star high-cut suit.

And speaking of Esther Williams, I did a post on her excellent retro suits way back in the earl-ie days of the Binge! Ah lookah heyah!

Big-Busted Bathing Suit Bonanza!

In real life, I'm pretty much a straightshooter. Online however, since we haven't exactly all met or anything, I tend to air on the more discreet side -- I'm just not the type of blogger who likes to blog about personal stuff like past sexual partners or number of weekly poos I take or that sort of thing. But, I'll be blunt about this because it's no big secret, it's something many of you readers out there can sympathize with, and because it's pretty obvious -- while I'm short (5'2") and small (around size 8), I ain't exactly wee on top. Like I said -- no big secret. They're quite real, and they're quite a hassle, especially when shopping for bras and bathing suits, and coincidentally I shopped for both this weekend. The former yielded more successful results. The latter, however... oy.

I tried on this lovely one-piece (it's gonna be a one-piece summer, my friends) at Bird:

($99, Mocium, Bird)

Surprisingly the butt and tum looked great! The top, however, covered basically not a damn thing. It was like comically pornographic looking. Like Pam Anderson in Baywatch, minus the gravity-defying silicon. Not cute. Seriously, this suit is for AAAAAAAA cups. I seriously felt a bit like this:



... Minus the bulge. Use your imagination. It was ridiculous. So when I got home, I Googled, in a rather rudimentary fashion, "big-busted bathing suits." Again, slightly ridiculous, I know. To my surprise though, I found some really cute stuff for those of us out there who are a weeeee bit bigger than a C and can't exactly pop in and buy suits right off the rack at Target or Old Navy. And, because some of you can, I threw in some "regular lady" suits too, so everyone feels like they win.

($99, Fantasie of England, Biggerbras.com)

I can't really tell if this is granny-ish or not, but I think it could actually be kinda cute. By the way, I'd never heard of Biggerbras.com, but it looks like most of the bathing suits start at D cups. Yay!

($89, Sunflair, Carabella.com)

Classic sweet polka dots. I like the piping at the neckline.

($75, Popina)

Sweet, but if you're gonna do polka dots, I think it's best to keep them black-and-white.

($39, Shape fx, Carabella)

I'm a bigger fan of this turquoise shade than the robin's egg blue above. And while the jeweled strap is a weeee bit cheeze-say, you can't deny the awesome slimming powers of shirring. Plus, this suit's got a built-in shelf bra, which is a must, obviously. I might try this one out. And also, I must say, I'd never heard of Carabella, but I'm definitely glad I discovered in my "big booby bathing suit" search, because their selection, range of sizes, and prices are great.

($39, Shape fx, Carabella)

Love the soft grey and the super femme style here. And, YO! $39!

($63, Rochford, Biggerbras.com)

It's a little '80s but still really cute. The tie = quite waist-enhancing, which is a good thing, especially if you've got lotsa business up top.

($39, Shoshanna, Bluefly)

($29, Shoshanna, Bluefly)

Shoshanna makes some of my favorite bathing suits -- especially bikinis -- for the well-endowed lady, erm, even though this one's only available (or only in stock) in up to a C cup. But check out the cute treasure chest theme on the soft pink background! Cute cute cute!

(Top: $11.95, bottom: $8.95, Carabella.com)

See, regular-chested lady? I care about you too!

Bathing Suit Lust: Zimmermann's Avalon Butterfly Suit

($242, Avalon, WinkNYC.com)

To be sure, $242 is a lot for this bathing suit, by Aussie label Zimmermann, but it does come with a halter strap, and that's worth at least eight bucks! Very Golden Girls glam. Also, I don't really have $242 sitting around, but I do have some eggs ripe for the harvesting! Do you think Wink barters?

Another sweet butterfly motif Zimmermann suit:

($196, Zimmermann, Shopbop)

A Few Fun, Affordable Spring Picks

For a minute there, I was like, maybe that post title could be a palindrome. Then I was like... fuck it. It's late. So here are the cute and affordable items, in descending order of cost:

(Apprx $132 USD, Topshop.com)

From the new Kate Moss Topshop collection. Now, honestly, I wasn't blown away by her initial offering. But I love this. I'd love it even more if it didn't have the little ruffle at the waist, but we know ruffles are quite in. Even if they're definitely not universally flattering. Still, I love the embroidered detail and the simple colors.

($48, 80%20, ActiveEndeavors.com)

I wouldn't wear all of 80%20 designer Ce Ce Chin's shoes, but I love the ideas and inspiration behind them. And I am totes enamored of these robin's egg blue punk loafers -- also available in "grape" (hee!) and green.

($39.50, Delias)

Boy shorts aren't always the MOST flattering, but I love the classic tie-neck '40s/'50s look here.

($29.50, Old Navy)

Two cute new suits from Old Navy. They both hit stores April 1. The golden metallic one is a BIT American Apparel (in the bad way), except that it isn't cut below one's crotch. It also HAS a crotch, so that's good. Anyway, metallic definitely has its place on the beach (though it may be its only place I think it's okay in non-accessories form), so I endorse this suit, but the brown one is even better.

($10, Malina, ManicTrout.com)

Never mind that the site's name sounds like a tedious jam band (which is redundant.) These vintage lucite earrings are really sweet, and they're actually tiny -- just a quarter-inch. Tee!

RAWR! Animal Print Accessories!

I gots the jungle feber, yo, and I caught it from these gorgeous animal print bangles.

($738, Hidgalo)

Lovely, but un poco mucho dinero for me.

Some cute dupes:

($68, Kenneth Jay Lane, Bloomingdale's)

Ah, Kenneth Jay Lane. KJ. One of my fave costume jewelry peeps. "The old work horse" (for any of you Waiting For Guffman fans.)

($38, Home Shopping Network)

Hm! HSN! Who knew?

($17.34, Asos.com)

Not quite animal print, yet subtly safari!

($30, Betsey Johnson, Macy's)

You know that feeling of waning willpower, when you tell yourself you're only got stop at two pieces of pizza but then you house two more even though you know you "oughtn't"? That's basically the same warning that's going off in whichever part of my brain houses "online shopping," telling me that I'm gonna be buying these even though I probably shouldn't.

($1.80, Asos.com)

Sadly, that voice might even compel me to buy this -- it's a shower cap (and, if you refer to my no-shampoo manifesto, I do use shower caps on the regz) . With a cow print. AND devil horns. Because I can actually appreciate that they took it THAT far.

($34.50, Gap)
($34.50, Gap)

Not that you'd ever DARE to wear your animal print accessories with your Gap giraffe print bikini, but just so you know... it's out there. So cute. I wish I knew what sound a giraffe makes so I could throw that up there.

K. I'm 'Bingin' and bouncin'! Bye!